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*i wish to disappear.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

I TOTALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT DOES SHE WANTS!

for the past few days, she nagged at me EVERY SINGLE DAY to find a job.
and yes, my agent got me one.
i was so happy.
but NOW. she asked me not to go just because of CONTACT LENS.

i shan't say the details.
i stormed outta her room saying "YOU ARE THE ONE WHO ASKED ME TO FIND A JOB. AND NOW, YOU DON'T LET ME GO."

she gave me all sorts of reasons saying
"Who ask you not to take care of your eyes last time!"
"Everything last minute!"
.................
...........
....

i just feel like shouting back, "DO U THINK I WANT IT TO BE LAST MINUTE!!!?!!"
i was informed at 11.25PM to be exact. she already slept.
so WHAT CAN I DO!

on monday, she asked me questions. i was watching TV. so i replied in short sentences, or by nodding or shaking my head.
she said i don't even want to talk to her.
so now i want to say, WHO WILL LIKE TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO ALWAYS SPOIL YOUR MOOD?

NOBODY!
NOBODY!
NOBODY!

i really feel that she is so UNREASONABLE, no matter how childish you think i am now.
nobody can understand how i feel. NOT EVEN if you try to put yourself in MY shoes.
because you are NOT me afterall.

NOTHING i do can satisfy her.

i envy my friends who can talk to their moms about everything.
i envy those kids who can shop with their moms.
i wish to say i love shopping with my mom too.
but so?
that kind of happiness in me only lasted for a day. or maybe less than that. sometimes she can just go mad once she reaches home.

i miss those days i came home running to my mom telling her what i did for the day in school.

i can never forget that day, when i was in primary school i think.
i came home from school and was having my lunch in the kitchen.
she took a HELLO KITTY clock and brought it to me with smiles and asked if i like it.
i was overjoyed. i love that clock.
i was so touched.
but things are different now.
especially after she started going to work, i could hardly see her.
and worst of all, i could hardly talk to her like last time.

i was upset.
i want the old US.
but... its impossible.

at that very moment, i just wish to leave.

i wish to be outta here.
i was so down, i just feel like walking and walking aimlessly.
i just feel like sitting in front of the sea and stare into space.
i just feel like doing nothing.

i am very vexed.
i don't know if i should still go for the interview.
i don't want to be irresponsible and pull my agent down into this mess.
but.

with my teary eyes.
with my red nose.
with my empty head.

i have no mood for interview ANYMORE.

if you are clever enough, you should know that the person i been talking about is no other people but MY MOM.
each time she scolds me, i will be thinking how is her ideal daughter like.
but i totally have no idea, cause i can never know what does she wants.

decision made: i am not going.
be it irresponsible or childish. i hate myself like this too.
but i don't think i can go in this state for that particular position.

even my own room which i used to think its warm doesn't keep me warm today.
I NEED A HUG. but... forget it.

i am extremely down today.
I JUST WISH TO BE ALONE.

Written at
8:50 AM

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